身體和情緒清除
伯納的大部分工作都與心靈有關，並利用智力和溝通來取得進步。像大多數西方治療實踐一樣，它傾向於優先考慮思考和說話。然而，他確實認識到人類經驗中其他元素的重要性，並理解它們之間的關係。
身體在其結構中存儲了部分抵抗的創傷，不理解和不交流，隨著時間的推移，如果它們沒有被釋放，就會表現為扭曲和疾病。事實上，意義結構的產生是因為我們希望與感覺不到的不適保持距離。所以身體的張力與心靈密切相關。正因為如此，可以通過身體釋放一些心，反之亦然。
在我們的發展中，一旦與另一個人有任何情緒上的不安，它就會被感覺為一種身體感覺。結果，身體會因為不需要的感覺被抵制而緊張。我們可能只會
無限緊張，也許只有少數肌肉纖維，但除非那一小部分被體驗和接受，否則緊張區域將留在體內，通常是在潛意識層面。1 所以現在，雖然緊張的區域可能只是很小，但呼吸發生了變化，重心發生了變化，通常略微向上，情緒場有一點扭曲，反映在身體上。
帕坦伽利還指出，呼吸中斷是健康情況不佳的標誌，也是進步的障礙，因為它會分散注意力。阿拉伯數位 呼吸模式的改變起初可能是一個很小的弱點，但它對其他一切都有影響，包括一個人的移動方式。扭曲的特殊特徵與頭腦中形成的與被抵制的事件相關的特定想法有關。身體扭曲和相關的想法一起產生共鳴。
圍繞呼吸的最初障礙和由此產生的緊張，其他緊張情緒會累積。根據人的不同，這將或快或慢地發生，或多或少，但每次有另一個事件被抵制時，緊張就會圍繞原來的弱點建立起來，並越來越成為一個明顯的特徵，一個明顯的緊張區域或身體的實際扭曲。根據經驗，我們可以看到一個人如何移動和呼吸所反映的“個性”。因此，心靈和身體不能真正被視為分開的，儘管我們做出這種區分是為了最經濟地處理它們。
身體受到外部影響和內部影響的影響。有遺傳傾向，遺傳變化和環境因素，包括社會和身體，都會影響身體，因此對心靈產生影響。我們受到衰老、疾病和事故的影響。從更大的角度來看，這些影響可能有一些意義，但我們大多數人永遠不會理解這個深度的世界。因此，我們可能無法完全理清身體，但身體中的許多壓力和緊張都在我們的控制範圍內。
我們可以將意識帶到身體和情感層面上持有和抵抗的東西中。梅迪塔專注於身體的運動，如內觀，將意識帶到身體。很多時候，在做這個或任何類似做法的過程中，一個人會經歷
相當大的疼痛和不適。這是因為我們將意識帶到無意識和抗拒的區域。
通過願意在身體層面上體驗阻力，就會自動理解什麼以及為什麼堅持。身體可能會因此而發生變化，有時甚至是戲劇性的，精神領域可能會消失。
3 情緒清除源於伯納對如何處理情緒的研究，實際上是態度的組成部分，這些情緒固定在身體層面上，僅通過心靈清理很難獲得。這是因為他發現，當心靈得到合理程度的處理時，身體和情緒通常是人們的下一個挑戰。在他考慮如何處理情緒的那段時間里，他遇到了亞諾夫的《原始吶喊4》療法，這種療法也很早就與戴尼提有關。
5
伯納立刻明白，亞諾夫已經找到了他自己許多問題的答案。然而，儘管人們通常會感到極大的解脫，但在某些時候他們會陷入困境，有時當他們被固定在一個位置上並且一遍又一遍地表達同樣的事情時，有時會感覺更糟。他看到了感受身體情緒並表達它們的原則的價值，將類似的技術融入到自己的作品中，但為了防止人們陷入困境而增加了它。像他在《心靈清除》中開發的那樣，加入特定資訊的交流，打破了這些固定的迴圈，使人們能夠釋放捕捉到的情緒，而不是讓它們迴圈。因此，伯納將情緒清除變成了一種處理身體和情緒的可行方法，併為他的投資組合增加了一個重要的工具。
6 啟蒙強化課程7
伯納在1960年代開發心靈清理時，注意到有些人比其他人進步得更快。仔細研究，他發現這並不一定與每個人的心智密度有關，儘管這是一個因素。他指出，那些進步較快的人有一種感覺，即他們是誰
與思想分離。他們能夠理解這個專案，並將思想作為一個特定的東西來工作，與自己分開，從一個相對穩定的角度工作。那些對自己是誰沒有這種穩定意識的人，無論是隱性的還是其他的，都更接近於他們思想的內容，因此需要更長的時間才能從中去認同。
伯納總是被挑戰所激勵，他想知道如何才能讓這群人從他們的頭腦中去認同化，這樣他們才能更快地進步。他知道巔峰體驗，或者啟蒙的時刻。他自己也做過幾次這樣的研究，觀察過處於這種狀態的其他人，而且，有大量關於這個主題的文獻。高峰體驗部分取決於人們對聯合國的認可改變他們真正是誰的本質，與不斷變化的思想和世界狀態形成鮮明對比。所以伯納認為，如果人們在開始心靈清除之前能夠有一個高峰體驗，他們就會有一個良好的開端。但高峰體驗的最大困難在於我們無法實現它們。然而，它們發生的情況往往具有某些共同特徵。因此，伯納著手確定和複製他所能找到的最有利的環境，以便為人們提供體驗這種直接認識的最佳機會，以便他們在自我發展方面取得更快的進展。這種方法與時代非常吻合，因為即時“這個”和即時“那個”幾乎是 1960 年代的口頭禪，再加上冥想和啟蒙，它清楚地向時代說話。
那時，大約在1966年，伯納致力於學習禪宗，禪宗在結構化的環境中認識和促進這些啟蒙時刻的價值。禪宗是日本佛教的一個分支，其中sesshin是僧侶進行的密集冥想時期，以促進他們的練習並推動啟蒙體驗。為此，他們可以坐幾個小時和幾天來思考一個無法回答的問題，或者koan。眾所周知，這可能是“一隻手拍手的聲音是什麼？”或“我是誰？”無法回答的問題旨在繞過思維過程，讓冥想者瞭解思想背後的內容並直接體驗現實。
但伯納理解他的聽眾;他知道西方人加入日本寺院的sesshins的故事，並在精神上和身體上與紀律作鬥爭。他認識到，傳統模式可能不是他的學生獲得所需洞察力的最佳方式。但是，當有一天，他獨自在加利福尼亞沙漠中冥想時，他看到了如何將長期建立的禪宗實踐之一與他已經開發的一對一溝通工作相結合，並發現在心靈清除和相關方法中非常有效。兩者的要素可以結合在一個適合時間和地點的進程中。
啟蒙強化課程以sesshin的結構為基礎，但包括合作交流，很快被提煉成50年來基本保持不變的研討會形式。它從一開始就很成功，並且仍然在全球範圍內流行。伯納培訓了許多領導研討會的人，多年來，該運動不斷發展並影響了數千人。Noyes還完善了培訓和研討會，並繼續培訓人們操作它們。
像心靈清除一樣，啟蒙強化課程也終於為伯納指明瞭通往其他東西的道路。這甚至比心靈清除更是一種非常故意的做法。雖然它顯然使人對自己和生活有了更深入的瞭解，但他越來越明白，這門學科與他和其他人的見解格格不入。當他遇到斯瓦米·克里帕盧（Swami Kripalu）時，他也超越了這一點。
降服冥想8
伯納遇見斯瓦米·克里帕盧后不久，他問他的老師是否可以開始投降冥想9，克里帕魯同意了。T這是他提供的最先進的實踐，斯瓦米·克里帕盧（Swami Kripalu）對大多數人（包括他自己的許多學生）正確維持練習的能力持懷疑態度。10 然而，當一個學生要求被灌頂時，克里帕魯寧願遵守，並與伯納或約格什瓦爾·穆尼（Yogeshwar Muni）一起這樣做，因為到那時他已經被賦
予了出家或桑雅生的名字。從那時起，伯納將投降冥想作為他的主要練習，並將其教授給他的學生。
在印度傳統中，臣服的最終目的是開悟，但很少有人能達到這一點。然而，許多人練習投降，並從中發現巨大的價值和洞察力。印度教傳統並不是唯一將投降視為最高紀律的傳統。大多數（如果不是全部的話）所有宗教的神秘之心都以某種形式提供這一教導。例如，日本本土宗教神道教的核心是向神投降的做法，稱為furube（搖晃）或reido（靈魂工作）。11 基督教的聖靈在基督死後「附身」了基督的門徒，顯現出他們說方言，並被呼召去潔淨。12 蘇菲派的“舞蹈”與這種對神聖能量的臣服有關。氣功提供了一種自發的，通常是世俗的練習。還有更多的例子，可以發現臣服被建立成一種宗教或抽象成健康技術，例如中國的Buqi13或日本的Katsugen Undo實踐。14
有人可以認為，因為順服是一種不做而不是做的事，所以它應該是第一個也是最容易學習的紀律，也是處理生活中困難的最快和最簡單的方法。但那將是誤解我們所處的局勢。我們不能輕易繞過神經質結構。在投降之前，必須有系統地解決這些問題，更不用說可取了。
神秘主義者最後投降是有原因的，也是斯瓦米·克里帕魯不願意啟動他的學生的原因。臣服是有紀律的自我投降。自我必須被充分壓抑，不接管投降的過程，並將其用於自己的目的。
自己動手清理頭腦
我們需要説明在深度層面上處理思想，因為思想始於關係，必須在那個領域得到解決。獨自一人，我們很可能在某個階段被頭腦欺騙。清理溝通週期解決了我們取得重大進展所需的內容。然而，通過理解頭腦清理的原則以及一些個人紀律，我們可以自己做很多事情。這需要大量的承諾，但可能是
有價值的，尤其是當與心靈清除課程或正念冥想練習相結合時。以下是一些可以通過自己動手清除頭腦來解決的問題示例。
思考對立
面 當我們開始更多地意識到我們的思想結構和我們可以被鎖定的固定態度時，那麼也許可以通過單獨吸引來做一些解開它們的工作。烏德工作。當我們處於一種心靈狀態的中間，15 特別困難將它視為心靈的一方面。一個狀態的本質，由與之相關的態度來定義，是當我們身處其中時，它對我們來說似乎是真實的。因此，例如，如果我被一個事件觸發進入我的態度，別人不理解我，那麼我的整個存在就會與這種狀態產生共鳴。我相信它並據此採取行動。然而，我們在識別和糾正態度方面所做的工作越多，我們就越有可能開始意識到這些態度和狀態。那麼，在某一時刻，我可能處於一種別人不理解的狀態，這感覺完全真實和真實，同時也認識到這實際上是我陷入的一種態度。在這種時候，也許可以花一些時間單獨練習一點態度清理，帶著離開國家的想法。下面是執行此操作的兩個範例。
約翰：我是一個好撒瑪利亞人，還是那些會從另一邊經過的人之一？我不喜歡有組織的宗教，但無論如何，這個問題過去經常出現。我做了好事，但我不是做了更多的壞事嗎？難道我所做的好事不就是因為它適合我去做，使我成為一個壁櫥的精神病患者，最終完全自私嗎？我不太認為我是其中之一;然而，當我接受心理治療培訓並遇到精神病測試時，我忍不住勾選方框來計算自己的評分。我沒有資格，但我繼續考慮。
這個問題很晚了。我們三個孩子都知道，我們的母親對人的好壞有一種絕對正確的直覺——她曾經用這種本能來證明禁止一個新朋友踏入房子
是正當的，因為她立即將他置於黑暗的一面。她稍微微妙地把我放在了一起。“這個家庭的男性世代交替，”她說。“他們去好-壞-好-壞等等。嗯，你的祖父是個壞人。 當我定期練習時，這個問題並不完全是日常問題，但它仍然存在
——足以在我有一天散步時突然出現。
在沒有有意識的情況下，我發現自己在思考相反的事情：記住我做好事的時候，然後我做壞事的時候，來來回回，來回，來回;並且還編造好的撒瑪利亞人場景來試驗好的和壞的反應。
但我發現，事實證明，將好行為與壞行為分開是多麼武斷！我在理智上知道這種情況經常（總是？），哲學家可以永遠辯論某些事情的對與錯。現在現實是有形的：決定什麼是好或壞真的取決於我。
我堅持著這個過程，沿著河邊走，太陽照在我的背上，好到壞，好到壞......然後突然間，關於我是好是壞的整個概念讓我感到非常荒謬，以至於我笑了起來（還好我們住在一個僻靜的地方）。不僅對我的行為的評估是好是壞取決於我，我如何根據這種評估採取行動也取決於我。和有了這種認識，我本質上是好或壞的整個概念都消失了。
我什至不介於兩者之間。我都不是——甚至不是
在規模上。那麼，這讓我在實際的日常生活中處於什麼位置呢？它讓我全權負責決定如何行動以及我對自己的感覺。
我們可以自己做很多工作。這是另一個例子： 洛娜：
我感覺很糟糕。似乎沒有什麼感覺不對勁。我被對過去的遺憾和對未來的焦慮所困擾。似乎更糟糕的是，我住在一個完美的地方。我可以從臥室的窗戶望出去，看到一個大湖，散發著秋色。淩晨時分，龍人
令人難以忘懷的叫聲在水面上回蕩，天空一片湛藍。我被愛和照顧，只有美麗在我面前，朋友在我身邊;然而，一切，一切，看起來都很淒涼，迷失和糟糕。
有一次我淩晨4點醒來，我的心砰砰直跳，感覺比以往任何時候都糟糕，失望嘮叨著我，對水面上的月光麻木，我坐起來想我必須處理這件事。如果這種“一切都很糟糕”的狀態不會玷污我醒著的每一個小時和睡眠時間，考慮到我生動的夢境，那麼我將不得不在那裡解決它。所以我坐下來思考相反的東西，只是“一切都是好的”和“一切都是壞的”。我沒有通過記憶來了解這些狀態，只是一個想法，或者有時是一種好的感覺，然後壞，好，然後壞。壞很容易;它是如此熟悉，一種灰色的，沉重的感覺。好更難，離我不是那麼近，我努力去獲得“好”態度的想法。但我做到了。我不認為我取得了任何成就，但最終我睡著了。
第二天早上，我醒來時看到了一個不同的世界。這不好，也不壞。它本身，我可以享受它。就好像從一切事物中去除了一層灰色的薄膜，我可以自由地享受它，或者不享受它，以一種普通的方式。一種非常普通的方式。從那以後，我與那個狀態的終生關係，“一切都不好”，就不一樣了。它沒有消失，但我知道不是我。
The body and Emotion Clearing
Much of Berner’s work has to do with the mind and uses the intellect and communication to make progress. Like most Western therapeutic practices it tends to prioritise thinking and speaking. However, he did appreciate the importance of other elements of the human experience and understood the relationships between them.
The body stores partially resisted traumas, non-understandings and non-communications in its structure that, over time and if they are not released, manifest as distortion and sickness. In fact, meaning structures came about because of our wish to distance ourselves from felt discomfort. So the body’s tension is intimately related to the mind. Because of this, it is possible to free some of the mind through the body, as well as the other way around.
In our development, as soon as there is any kind of emotional upset with another person, it is felt as a physical sensation. As a result, the body tenses as the unwanted sensation is resisted. We may only
tense infinitesimally, maybe only in a few muscle fibres, but unless that small part is experienced and received, the area of tension will remain in the body, often at a subconscious level.1 So now, although the tense area may only be very small, the breathing has changed, the centre of gravity has shifted, usually slightly upwards, and there is a small distortion in the emotional field that is reflected in the body.
Patanjali also noted that disrupted breathing is a sign of poor health and a barrier to progress as it is a distraction.2 A change in the breathing pattern may at first be a tiny area of weakness, but it has an effect on everything else including how a person moves. The particular characteristics of the distortion are related to the particular idea that formed in the mind in relation to the event that was resisted. The body distortion and related idea resonate together.
Around that initial hitch in the breath and the resulting tension, other tensions accumulate. This will happen quickly or slowly, and to greater or lesser degrees according to the person, but every time there is another event that was resisted, the tension will build up around that original weak point and become more and more of a marked trait, a noticeable area of tension or an actual distortion in the body. With experience, we can see the ‘personality’ reflected in how a person moves and breathes. The mind and body, thus, cannot really be seen as separate, though we make that distinction in order to deal with them most economically.
The body is affected by outside influences as well as internal ones. There are inherited tendencies, genetic changes and environmental factors, both social and physical, that all affect the body too and so have an effect on the mind. We are subject to ageing, diseases and accidents. In the bigger picture there may be some meaning in these influences, but most of us will never understand the world at that depth. So we might well not be able to sort the body out entirely, but a lot of the stress and tensions held in the body are within our control.
We can bring consciousness to what is held and resisted at a physical and emotional level. Meditations that focus on the body, such as vipassana, bring consciousness to the body. Very often, in the process of doing this or any similar practice, a person will experience
considerable pain and discomfort. This is because we bring awareness to areas that are unconscious and resisted.
Through being willing to experience the resistance at a body level, understanding will arise, automatically, about what has been held out and why. The body can change, sometimes dramatically, as a result, and areas of mind can fall away.3
Emotion Clearing came out of Berner’s research into how to deal with the emotions, and indeed components of attitudes, fixed at a body level that are difficult to access through Mind Clearing alone. This was because he found that when the mind has been dealt with to a reasonable extent, then the body and held emotions typically represents the next challenge for people. During the period in which he was considering how to deal with emotions, he came across Janov’s Primal Scream4 therapy, which had also been connected, early on, with Dianetics.5
Berner immediately understood that Janov had hit upon an answer to many of his own questions. However, although people would commonly experience great relief, at some point they would become stuck, sometimes feeling worse as they became fixed in a position and a cycle of expressing the same thing over and over. Seeing value in the principle of feeling the emotions in the body and expressing them, he incorporated a similar technique into his own work but added to it in order to prevent people from getting stuck. Putting in the communication of a specific message, such as he had developed in Mind Clearing, broke these fixed cycles and enabled people to release the caught emotions and not keep them cycling. Thus, Berner turned Emotion Clearing into a workable way of dealing with the body and emotions, and added an important tool to his portfolio.6
The Enlightenment Intensive7
As he was developing Mind Clearing in the 1960s, Berner noticed that some people progressed more quickly than others. Looking into this carefully, he saw that this was not necessarily related to the density of mind each person had, though that was a factor. What he noted was that those who progressed more quickly had a sense of who they were
as separate from the mind. They were able to understand the project and work on the mind as a particular thing, separate from themselves and working from a point of relative stability. People who did not have this stable sense of who they were, implicit or otherwise, were more closely identified with the content of their minds and consequently took longer to de-identify from it.
Berner, always invigorated by a challenge, wondered what it would take to bring this group of people to a point of de-identification from their mind so they could progress more quickly. He knew about peak experiences, or moments of enlightenment. He had had several of these himself, had observed others in that state and, moreover, there is a large body of literature on the subject. Peak experiences are partly defined by the recognition people have of the unchanging nature of who they really are in contrast to the ever-changing state of the mind and world. So Berner thought that if people could have a peak experience before embarking on Mind Clearing, they would have a head start. But the big difficulty with peak experiences is that we cannot make them happen. Yet, the circumstances in which they take place do tend to have certain common characteristics. So Berner set out to identify and reproduce the most conducive environment he could in order to give people the best chance of experiencing this direct knowing so they could make swifter progress in their self-development. This approach was very much in step with the times, as instant ‘this’ and instant ‘that’ was almost a mantra of the 1960s, and, coupled with meditation and enlightenment, it spoke clearly to the times.
At that point, around 1966, Berner was engaged in learning about Zen Buddhism, which recognises and promotes the value of these enlightenment moments in a structured environment. Zen is a Japanese branch of Buddhism within which the sesshin is an intense period of meditation undertaken by monks to boost their practice and push for an enlightenment experience. To this end, they can sit for hours and days contemplating an unanswerable question, or koan. Famously, this might be ‘What is the sound of one hand clapping?’ or ‘Who am I?’ The unanswerable question is designed to bypass the thinking processes and open the meditator to what is behind thoughts and experience reality directly.
But Berner understood his audience; he knew the stories of Westerners joining sesshins in Japanese monasteries and struggling with the discipline, both mentally and physically. He recognised that the traditional model might not be the best way for his students to gain the desired insight. But it was fresh in his mind when, one day, meditating alone in the Californian desert, he saw how he could combine one of the long-established practices of Zen with the one- on-one communication work he had already developed and found so effective in Mind Clearing and allied methods. Elements of both could be brought together in a process that suited the time and place.
The Enlightenment Intensive, which is based on the structure of the sesshin but includes partnered communication, was quickly refined into a workshop format that has remained largely unchanged for 50 years. It was successful from the start and is still popular worldwide. Berner trained many people in leading the workshops, and the movement has developed over the years and influenced thousands. Noyes has also refined the training and workshop and continues to train people in running them.
Like Mind Clearing, the Enlightenment Intensive also finally pointed the way to something else for Berner. It was, even more than Mind Clearing, a very wilful practice. While it clearly brought, and continues to bring, people to a much closer understanding of themselves and life, he increasingly understood that the discipline was out of step with the insights he and others had. When he met Swami Kripalu, he moved beyond this as well.
Surrender Meditation8
Soon after Berner met Swami Kripalu, he asked his teacher if he could be initiated into Surrender Meditation9 and Kripalu consented. This was the most advanced practice he offered and Swami Kripalu was sceptical about the ability of most people, including many of his own students, to maintain the practice correctly.10 Nevertheless, when a student asked to be initiated, Kripalu preferred to comply and did so with Berner, or Yogeshwar Muni, for by then he had been given
his renunciate or sannyasin name. From this time on, Berner made Surrender Meditation his main practice and taught it to his students.
The ultimate purpose of surrender in the Indian traditions is enlightenment, but few people reach this. Many, however, practise surrender and find enormous value and insight from doing so. The Hindu traditions are not the only ones to regard surrender as the highest discipline. Most, if not all, of the mystical hearts of all religions offer this teaching in some form. For example, Shinto, the native Japanese religion, has at its heart the practice of surrender to the divine, called furube (shaking) or reido (soul work).11 Christianity’s Holy Spirit ‘possessed’ Christ’s disciples after his death manifested in their speaking in tongues and is called upon to cleanse.12 Sufi ‘dancing’ is connected with this surrender to divine energy. Chi gong offers a spontaneous, usually secular practice. There are many more instances where surrender can be found instituted into a religion or abstracted into health techniques such as the Chinese Buqi13 or the Japanese practice of Katsugen Undo.14
It might be supposed that, because surrender is a non-doing rather than a doing practice, it should be the first and easiest discipline to learn and the fastest and simplest way to deal with life’s difficulties. But that would be to misunderstand the situation in which we are. We cannot bypass neurotic structures so easily. They must be systematically worked through before surrender is possible, let alone desirable.
There is a reason why the mystics left surrender for last and why Swami Kripalu was reluctant to initiate his students. Surrender is the disciplined surrender of self. The ego must be sufficiently subdued to not take over the process of surrender and use it for its own purposes.
Do-it-yourself Mind Clearing
We need help to deal with the mind at a level of depth because the mind began in relationship and must be addressed in that arena. Alone we are likely to be deceived by the mind at some stage. The clearing communication cycle addresses what we need for significant progress. However, there is a good deal we can do on our own with an understanding of the principles of Mind Clearing coupled with some personal discipline. This takes a good deal of commitment but can be
valuable, especially when allied with Mind Clearing sessions or with a mindfulness meditation practice. What follows are some examples of the kind of issue that might be tackled with do-it-yourself Mind Clearing.
Pondering the opposites
As we start to become more aware of the structures of our minds and the fixed attitudes we can get locked into, then it may be possible to do some of the work in unfixing them through solo attitude work. When we are in the middle of a state of mind,15 then it is especially difficult to see it as an aspect of the mind. The nature of a state, defined by the attitude associated with it, is that it seems true to us when we are in it. So, for instance, if I am triggered by an event to go into my attitude of others don’t get me, then my whole being resonates with that state. I believe it and act from it. However, the more work we do to identify and unfix the attitudes, the more likely it is that we will start to become aware of such attitudes and states in the moment. At one and the same time, then, I might be in a state of others don’t get me which feels utterly true and real, while also recognising that this is in fact an attitude into which I have slipped. At such times, it may be possible to take some time to practise a bit of attitude clearing alone, with the idea of stepping aside from the state. Below are two examples of doing just this.
John: Am I a good Samaritan, or one of those who would pass on the other side? I’m not into organised religion, but that question used to pop up frequently anyway. I’d done good things, but hadn’t I done more bad things? And weren’t the good things I’d done disqualified because it had suited me to do them, making me a closet psychopath, ultimately completely selfish? I didn’t quite think I was one; nevertheless, when I was training to practise psychotherapy and came across tests for psychopathy, I couldn’t resist ticking the boxes to calculate my own rating. I didn’t qualify, but I continued to think about it.
The question took root way back. We three children all knew our mother had an infallible instinct for good or bad in people – an instinct she once employed to justify banning a new friend from setting foot in the house
because she’d instantly placed him on the dark side of the line. She’d placed me slightly more subtly. ‘The males of this family alternate through the generations,’ she said. ‘They go good-bad-good-bad and so on. Well, your paternal grandfather was a bad man.’
By the time I was practising regularly, the question was not exactly an everyday issue, but it was still there
– enough to arise out of the blue when I went for a walk one day. And without consciously setting out to do so, I found myself pondering the opposites: remembering times when I’d done good things, then times when I’d done bad things, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth; and also making up good Samaritan scenarios to experiment with good and bad responses.
But what I found was how arbitrary separating good actions from bad actions proved to be! I knew intellectually this was often (always?) the case, and that philosophers could debate the rights and wrongs of some things forever. Now the reality of it was tangible: deciding what was good or bad really was up to me.
I persisted with the process, walking along the river, the sun on my back, good to bad, good to bad… Then suddenly, the whole notion of whether I was good or bad struck me as so ridiculous that I fell about laughing (good thing we live in a secluded spot). Not only was the assessment of my actions as being either good or bad up to me, how I acted on such assessment was also up to me. And, with that realisation, the whole notion of me being intrinsically either good or bad evaporated.
I’m not even somewhere between the two. I’m neither
– not even on the scale. So where does that leave me in practical day-to-day living? It leaves me with total responsibility for deciding how to act and how I feel about myself as a result.
We can do a lot of work on our own. Here is another example:
Lorna: I was feeling pretty terrible. Nothing seemed to feel right. I was plagued with regrets about the past and anxiety about the future. What seemed to make it worse was that I was staying in a perfect place. I could look out of my bedroom window down to a great lake, glowing with autumn colour. The haunting calls of loons
echoed across the water in the early hours and the sky was a crisp blue. I was loved and looked after and had only beauty in front of me and friends at my side; yet everything, everything, looked bleak and lost and bad.
And one time I woke at 4 a.m., my heart pounding, feeling worse than ever, disappointment nagging at me, numb to the moonlight on the water, and I sat up and thought that I must deal with this. If this state of ‘everything is bad’ was not going to tarnish my every waking hour, and sleeping hour, given my vivid dreams, then I would have to tackle it, there and then. So I sat and contemplated the opposites, just ‘everything’s good’ and ‘everything’s bad’. I didn’t get the idea of these states through memories, just an idea or sometimes a feeling of good and then bad, good, then bad. Bad was easy; it was so familiar, a grey, heavy feeling. Good was harder, not so near to me, and I struggled to get the idea of being in a ‘good’ attitude. But I managed. And I didn’t think I’d achieved anything, but eventually I fell asleep.
Next morning, I awoke to a different world. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was itself and I could enjoy it. It was as though a grey film had been removed from everything and I was free to enjoy it, or not, in an ordinary way. A wonderfully ordinary way. And ever since then my lifelong relationship with that state, ‘everything is bad’, has been different. It hasn’t gone, but I know it’s not me.
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