處理態度
固定的態度是思維的基石。任何態度的主要特徵都是它的意義或意義。事實上，態度是我們賦予事件或記憶的意義。當我們遠離另一個人並對自己和他們有一個想法時，這本身就是採取一種態度的行為，這是一種觀點。以前只有關係，現在我們已經賦予了一種情況以意義，因此根據我們的特定構成，它在特定方面具有重要意義。我們給一段難以面對的體驗貼上標籤。通過給它貼上標籤，我們獲得了一些控制它的想法。
態度在固定時是一個問題。因此，他們下定了決心。態度的例子可能是“人很好”，“人很壞”，“生活很糟糕”，“我不夠好”，“我很特別”，“沒有人愛我”等等。一旦你認同任何想法，比如像“我存在”這樣的核心信念，或者像“不能信任人們正確地完成工作”這樣更表面的想法，你就會過濾你允許在生活中、在你的特定故事中真實的東西。這種過濾器意味著你會抵制任何不符合你所處的狀態的東西。因此，漸漸地，越來越多的事件被推入潛意識，因為它們不符合你的主導態度或觀點，因此你有越來越多的證據支持這些。
一個帶著“人是壞人”的態度四處走動的人，將能夠舉出各種例子來證實這一點。在他們的潛意識中，會有他們抵制事件的記憶，作為“人是好人”的證據。這些事件遭到抵制，因為它們不符合這對有意識的一半。這個人更容易與“人是壞人”的態度聯繫起來，因為這是相反的可及的一面，它是有意識的。“人是好的”這個想法很難被理解為現實，因為這個人無法與心靈的潛意識方面聯繫起來。
鮑勃帶著“沒有人愛我”的態度四處走動，所以他對自己的感知有一種態度，就像一個篩檢程式。如果有人來給他巧克力，這可以被解釋為至少有些人確實愛他的證據。這不符合他排除針對他的善舉的主流生活觀，所以他部分地，甚至可能完全抵制這種體驗並將其推入他的潛意識。當時他可能會拒絕巧克力或懷疑地接受它們，但他可能很快就會對這件事有一點模糊的記憶，也許根本沒有，因為他已經認為這實際上是不真實的。他甚至可能找到一種方法，把它變成他沒有真正被愛的證據;可能是有人給了他草莓奶油，他不喜歡，他把這件事扭曲成這個人故意給他一些他不喜歡的東西，以表達他們對潛意識的厭惡，她知道我不喜歡草莓奶油，她還是給了我！
態度的對立面總是存在的，主要是在潛意識中。但是人們可能會陷入思維陷阱，從一對對立面的一側翻轉到另一側，然後再翻回來，翻過來。和結束。躁鬱症就是一個極端的例子，但我們中的許多人可能會陷入不那麼暴力的反對中。在做決定時，一個人可能會被一個潛在的對驅動，比如“我想要它/我不想要它”，從一個翻到另一個，找不到出路。每次做出決定時，這個人就會翻回相反的方向，這似乎突然變得非常有吸引力。
最後，對立面是沒有意義的，因為任何態度的雙方都是不真實的。例如，“我有能力”的態度只是相對的。我可能有能力建造火柴盒屋，但在解決數學問題方面不是很有能力。這些名稱僅與其他事物有關;他們沒有絕對的真理。確定這些信念的真實性或其他方面可能有一些用處，一些療法將其作為一種技術。但這不會改變基本的態度;我們仍將被困在它的二元性中。
許多方法都通過用積極的態度代替消極的態度來讓人們停止對消極的態度採取行動。例如，停止以“一切都不好”這樣的態度四處走動，並通過採取“一切都很好”的態度來學習更積極的人生觀，這聽起來很明智。但這種方法的問題在於，他們仍然陷入了對立面的思維陷阱。這個人只是把它們換了過來，可能還在舊的想法之上放了一些新的想法。這個人離現實並不近。“一切都是好的”和“一切都是壞的”這兩種態度仍然是想法。沒有任何想法比任何其他想法更接近現實。在改善我們的功能方面，有些想法無疑比其他想法更可取，但沒有一個想法最終比現實更好，所有固定的態度都會給我們與他人相處的困難。
在一個人的頭腦中，任何與認同他們的態度相反的東西或任何人都將被視為敵人。儘管大多數時候，我們並沒有試圖對任何人做任何事情，但如果有人與抵制的態度聯繫在一起，那麼他們就會成為敵人。
邁克爾：我有這樣的事情，我認為我的老闆真的是我的敵人。她會做一些事情，比如在我無法安排的日期安排會議，或者與我一起組建一個新的項目團隊，扮演我不喜歡的角色。諸如此類的事情。它會在我身上引發整件事，她要擺脫我或破壞我。我對此陷入了如此可怕的狀態，並且會繼續向我的妻子和朋友講述它。我是如此自然地這樣思考，並將她（以及我生活中的其他人）視為敵人，以至於我很久沒有在會議中提出這個問題。對我來說，一切如常。但是，當我整理出一些關於不信任他人的其他事情並傳達所有這些我從未說過的材料時，有些事情發生了我意想不到的變化。我通常更能放手，我開始注意到老闆的不同事情，而不是自動認為她故意讓我摔倒。事實上，我開始認為，當她做這些事情時，她可能根本沒有想到我。我並不是特別關注她，除了，我有點難過地說，作為一個人。
避免，因為我會對事情生氣。所以我終於在會議中看到了這個問題，我看到我以一種“這不公平”的態度四處走動，併為此感到非常生氣。我和我的Clearer一起努力，我終於明白我是如何利用這種態度來保持憤怒，而不是在某些方面對我的生活負責。
在頭腦中存在衝突，1但如果你自己得到這一點的主觀現實相，那麼你就可以意識到人們並不是為了得到你。在決定你如何看待世界的態度變得過時之前，更清楚地了解現實不可能完全成功。
狀態 除了態度，還有狀態
。狀態是一種態度，加上隨之而來的扭曲的能量、身體、情感部分。我們的整個存在將反映並被隨態度而來的狀態所浸潤。例如，抑鬱症通常是一種狀態。這是一種消極態度與身體表現相結合的綜合症。
頭腦中的態度是真實的，而不僅僅是認知的;他們精力充沛，身體素質強。抑鬱的人不僅感到沮喪，他們看起來很沮喪。這就是反映在他們整個生命中的狀態。這就是為什麼僅僅決定以不同的方式思考是行不通的。我們必須採取行動，從我們稱之為個人身份的敘述中消除這種態度;這必須以精力和認知的方式完成。
令人沮喪的是，推理我們擺脫一種態度比首先進入這種態度需要更長的時間，而且有一種危險是，在試圖這樣做的過程中，我們將創造新的態度，試圖擺脫舊的態度。即使我們可以看到我們的態度以及我們如何從中運作，也不可能簡單地放棄它們，因為我們在維護它們方面投入了大量資金。除非找到並交付和接收原始通信，否則不會釋放投資。當這種情況發生時，沒有必要繼續下去。
態度清除
當一個人不再有任何固定的態度時，他們就會擺脫頭腦。這樣的人可以自由選擇採取什麼態度，甚至選擇不採取任何態度。阿拉伯數位 為了幫助人們擺脫態度，伯納開發了一種技術。他說，技術是“一種更順利、更快、更明確地完成最終都會發生的事情的方法”。3 為了消除態度，他採取了清除溝通週期，並增加了拆除態度的步驟：態度清除。
伯納認為，如果他能讓一個人看到一個態度是一個錯誤的解決方案，那麼他就可以讓他們看到這個態度實際上在向別人傳達什麼。換句話說，他可以通過態度讓人們認識到他們真正在說什麼，並讓他們直接說出來，而不是通過扭曲的行為。
獲取消息
要使這個過程發揮作用，人們首先必須看到：
◉ 他們正在通過自己的自由意志
◉ 他們為什麼要接受它
◉ 他們必須克服這種態度的原因。
他們必須看到，他們正在做的是參與一種錯誤的解決辦法，這種解決辦法非但沒有説明，反而使問題永久化。真正的解決方案在於找到並傳遞資訊。態度清晰引導人們系統地完成這些步驟。
至於為什麼人們首先認同想法並與自己分離，伯納說：
從治療上講，你不是在那個決定之後。你是在釋放導致分手的情感衝動之後，這樣他們就可以感受到他們沒有感受到的東西，表達他們沒有表達的東西。如果他們這樣做，它將自動消除分裂和不做自己的決定。
4 在帕坦伽利，伯納
在思考對立面的建議中找到了對他的方法的證實，5 因為二元性是構成心靈的東西。除非我們這樣做，否則我們將繼續認同這些態度，並認為它們是真實的。
6
本的案例說明了態度和信念是如何從正常的童年中產生的，有慈愛的父母，沒有突出的創傷。它還表明，一旦一種信念或態度的種子被打下，它就會發展，它的邏輯就會被看似有用的投資所“證實”。
作為一個嬰兒，Ben像嬰兒一樣通過做鬼臉，使用眼神交流，移動他的四肢和哭泣來交流。他一直在學習他的信號如何帶來回應。這很有效，直到他的父母像父母一樣決定，他不應該總是按需得到關注，是時候停止每次他哭泣時都接他了。
當他紅著臉憤怒做出反應時，他的父母認為他一定很痛苦（也許他很痛苦），他們把他抱起來，所以信號回應方程被恢復了——直到他們堅定了決心，甚至強忍住了他最尖銳的嚎叫。他們決定，這隻是他成長的一個階段。
他們是對的：當他的大腦開始調整他的感知以“理解”他的經歷時，他的行為發生了變化。當然，這個過程在那個時候是非語言的，儘管如果他能用語言表達出來，他可能會說，“問是行不通的。
然而，他的父母並沒有突然撤回他們的愛;在大部分時間里，他們仍然回應他的信號，並關注他的需求。因此，本的成長進行得足夠順利。當他沒有得到他所尋求的關注時，他仍然時不時地陷入憤怒，只是現在他放棄得更快了。
但是當他在這樣的場合安靜下來時，他的父母認為他看起來很痛苦和孤僻。因此，他們開始格外注意「哄騙他」，部分原因是因為一開始就忽視了他而感到內疚。換句話說，一種間接交流形式正在
發展。直接詢問對本來說已經不再有效了，但一個非語言的替代品，變得孤僻和痛苦，無論如何都證明更有效。
到4歲時，他撤回了狀態已經熟悉了。他現在是“喜怒無常的家庭成員”，容易生悶氣，往往沒有明顯的原因。但這不是什麼大問題;他的父母已經學會了額外的款待和擁抱如何創造奇跡。他們認為，他“天生喜怒無常”，只是比他的姐姐需要更多的關注。
然而，到了青春期的開始，當他感到某種程度的挫敗感時，他的悶悶不樂已經演變成關門，我不會說話。他抱怨他的父母「只是不理解」他，這是真的，因為如果他不直接溝通，他們怎麼能呢？
到十幾歲的時候，本意識到生悶氣是幼稚和沒有吸引力的，所以他學會了利用魅力來得到他想要的東西，再次，間接交流。事實上，他變得非常善於操縱人們，以至於他在行銷部門找到了一份重視這些技能的工作。從表面上看，本已經「長大了」。他賺了很多錢，很受歡迎，而且既英俊又迷人，他不缺女朋友。但當他30歲時，他墜入愛河，求婚並被拒絕。他陷入了沮喪，最終來參加清理會議。
就像他在第一次會議中所說的那樣，本享受著快樂的童年、慈愛的父母和成功，直到他的女朋友拒絕了他。現在他很受傷，很生氣，特別是因為當被要求給出拒絕他的理由時，她解釋說她發現他“很有趣，但太膚淺了，不適合長期關係”。這是一個與以前的關係相呼應的描述。他覺得被女人誤解了，不明白為什麼她們會這樣看他。
但是，當他在下一次會議中與清除者合作，與他生命中的重要其他人交流時，就好像他們在場一樣，他似乎對清除者不友好。他樂於告訴別人他是如何看待他們的，但不願意透露太多關於自己的事情。當清澈者與他討論這件事時，他想了想，認為這是他很容易受傷的原因，所以他傾向於對私人事務保持沉默，而不是公開他
有多敏感。例如，他的最後一個女朋友曾經問他，「怎麼了？（因為當魅力不起作用時，他仍然傾向於保持沉默），他會回答說，“沒什麼”，相信如果她真的愛他，她會知道他的感受，而不必告訴她。“真正的靈魂伴侶，”他解釋說，“應該直觀地瞭解彼此的需求和感受，而不必詳細說明。
當本開始探索他在情感上受到挑戰時所起作用的態度時，他建議，“要求我想要的東西是不好的”來描述它，或者“要求我想要的東西是危險的”，或者，另一種描述方式，“表達我的感受是危險的”，以及“別人應該知道我的感受，而不必我告訴他們。他以為每個人都在說一些關於他正在發生的事情的事情，但他最終選擇的工作態度是，“我不能直接要求我想要什麼。當被要求提名一個相反的信念作為態度清晰的第二步時，他選擇了，“我對我想要什麼敞開心扉。
當確定本在堅持他的信念方面的投資時，他提名：「我避免被拒絕的風險」（如果我不問，人們不能說不）。此外，“如果不清楚我想要什麼，人們必須更加努力地取悅我”和“通過不要求我想要什麼，我避免表現出我的脆弱。
下一階段是找到他的信仰所代表的資訊，本認為這是：“我想要愛和與你的聯繫。然而，在他能夠傳達這一點之前，特別是向他的母親傳達這一點之前，他需要表達他最初對被剝奪這種愛和接觸的憤怒，而在他看來，他正在大聲而明確地要求它。當最後一步完成時，Ben確認，在未來，在適當的時候，他將直接溝通，而不是被他的舊信念所迷
惑。
WORKING WITH ATTITUDES
Fixed attitudes are the building blocks of the mind. The main feature of any attitude is its meaning or significance. In fact, an attitude is the significance we have given to an event or memory. When we back off from another person and have an idea about ourselves and them, this itself is the act of taking up an attitude, which is a point of view. Where before there was just relationship, now we have given meaning to a situation, so it is significant in particular ways depending on our particular make-up. We label a piece of experience that is too much to face as it is. By labelling it we gain some idea of control over it.
Attitudes are a problem when they become fixed. As such, they make up the mind. Examples of attitudes might be ‘people are good’, ‘people are bad’, ‘life sucks’, ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I’m special’, ‘nobody loves me’ and so forth. As soon as you identify with any idea, such as a core belief like ‘I exist’ or a more surface idea such as ‘people can’t be trusted to do the job properly’, you filter what you allow to be true in life, in your particular story. That filter means you will resist anything not in line with the state of being you have taken on. So gradually more and more events get pushed into the subconscious mind because they do not fit with your dominant attitudes or points of view and you have more and more evidence supporting these as a result.
A person going around with the attitude ‘people are bad’ will be able to give all kinds of examples of this to confirm it. In their subconscious will be memories of events they resisted that serve as evidence that ‘people are good’. Those events were resisted because they did not fit with the conscious half of the pair. The person can relate much more easily to the attitude that ‘people are bad’ because that is the accessible side of the opposite, it is conscious. The idea that ‘people are good’ will be difficult to grasp as a reality because the person cannot relate to the subconscious aspect of the mind.
Bob is going around with the attitude ‘No one loves me,’ so he has an attitude on his perception that acts as a filter. If someone comes along and offers him chocolates, this could be construed as evidence that some people, at least, do love him. It is not in line with his dominant view of life which precludes acts of kindness directed at him, so he partially, or maybe even totally, resists the experience and pushes it into his subconscious. At the time he might have refused the chocolates or taken them with suspicion, but he will probably soon have a somewhat hazy memory of the incident and perhaps none at all, as he has dismissed it as effectively untrue. He may even find a way to turn it into evidence that he is not really loved; it might have been that he was offered strawberry creams, which he does not like, an event which he twisted into the idea that the person deliberately gave him something he would not like in order to demonstrate their dislike with the subconscious thought, she knows I don’t like strawberry creams and she gave them to me anyway!
The opposite to an attitude will always be there, mostly in the subconscious. But people can get stuck in a mind trap, flipping from one side of a pair of opposites to the other, and back, over and over. The bipolar condition is an extreme example of this, but many of us can get stuck in a less violent opposition. In making a decision a person can be driven by an underlying pair such as ‘I want it/I don’t want it’, and flip from one to the other and not find a way out. Each time a decision is made, the person then flips back to the opposite which seems suddenly very attractive.
In the end, the opposites are meaningless because both sides of any attitude are untrue. The attitude, for instance, that ‘I am capable’ is only relative. I might be capable at building matchbox houses but not very capable when it comes to working out mathematical problems. These designations only have meaning in relation to other things; they have no absolute truth. Establishing the truth or otherwise of such beliefs might be of some use, and some therapies use this as a technique. But this will not change the underlying attitude; we will still be trapped in its duality.
Many methods have worked on getting people to stop acting on the negative of an attitude by replacing it with the positive. For instance, it sounds like good sense to stop going around with an attitude like ‘everything is bad’ and to learn a more positive outlook on life by adopting an ‘everything is good’ attitude. But the problem with that approach is that they are still caught in the mind trap of opposites. The person has merely swapped them over and has probably also put some new ideas on top of the old ones in the effort of doing so. The person is no closer to reality. Both attitudes, ‘everything is good’ and ‘everything is bad’, are still ideas. No idea is any closer to reality than any other idea. Some ideas are undoubtedly preferable to others in improving our functionality, but no idea is finally better than reality, and all fixed attitudes cause us difficulties in relating to others.
Anything or anyone associated in a person’s mind with the opposite of an attitude with which they are identified will be regarded as the enemy. Even though, most of the time, we are not trying to do anything to anyone, if someone becomes associated with a resisted attitude, then they become the enemy.
Michael: I had this thing where I thought my boss was really my enemy. She would do things like schedule meetings on dates I couldn’t make, or set a new project team up with me in a role I didn’t like. Things like that. And it would set off in me this whole thing where she was out to get rid of me or undermine me. I got into such terrible states about it and would go on and on about it to my wife and friends. It was so automatic for me to think like that and see her (and other people in my life) as the enemy that I didn’t bring it up in sessions for ages. It was just business as usual for me. But when I sorted out some other stuff around not trusting people and communicated all this material I’d never said, some things changed that I hadn’t expected. I was generally a bit more able to let things go and I started noticing different things about my boss and not automatically assuming she was deliberately setting me up for a fall. In fact, I started to think she might not actually be thinking about me at all when she was doing these things. I wasn’t particularly on her radar, except, I’m a bit sad to say, as
someone to avoid because I’d get pissed at things. So I finally got round to looking at that in sessions and I saw that I was going round with an attitude that ‘It’s not fair’ and feeling really angry about it. I worked on it with my Clearer and I finally got to a point where I could see how I was using this attitude to stay angry and not take responsibility for my life in some ways.
In the mind there is conflict,1 but if you get the subjective reality of this for yourself, then you can become conscious that people are not out to get you. Getting clearer on reality cannot be entirely successful until the attitudes that are dictating how you see the world are rendered obsolete.
States
Along with attitudes, there are states. A state is an attitude plus the energetic, bodily, emotional part of the distortion that goes along with it. Our whole being will reflect and be imbued by the state that goes with the attitude. For example, depression is usually a state. It is a syndrome of negative attitudes combined with physical manifestations.
The attitudes in the mind are real, not just cognitive; they have an energetic and physical aspect. Depressed people do not just feel depressed, they look depressed. That is the state reflected in their whole being. This is why it does not work long term just to decide to think differently. We have to act to remove the attitude from the narrative that we call our personal identity; this must be done energetically as well as cognitively.
Frustratingly, it would take longer to reason our way out of an attitude than it does to get in it in the first place, and there is a danger that, in trying to do so, we will create new attitudes in the attempt to get rid of the old ones. Even if we can see our attitudes and how we operate from them, it is not possible simply to drop them because we have a strong investment in maintaining them. The investment will not be released unless the original communication is found and delivered and received. When that happens, there is no need to keep it going.
Attitude clearing
A person is free of their mind when they no longer have any fixed attitudes. Such a person is free to choose what attitude to take on or even choose not to take any attitude on.2 To help people free themselves of attitudes, Berner developed a technique. Techniques are, he said, ‘a method for accomplishing more smoothly, more rapidly and more definitively, that which eventually happens anyway’.3 To dismantle attitudes, he took the clearing communication cycle and added steps for dismantling attitudes: attitude clearing.
Berner believed that, if he could get a person to see what problem an attitude was a false solution to, he could then get them to see what the attitude was actually communicating to others. In other words, he could get people to recognise what they were really saying through the attitude and get them to say it directly instead of through distorted behaviours.
Getting the message
For this process to work, people first have to see:
◉ that they are taking on an attitude by their own free will
◉ why they are taking it on
◉ that they must get over that reason for having the attitude.
They must see that what they are doing is engaging in a false solution that, rather than helping, serves to perpetuate the problem. The real solution lies in finding and delivering the message. Attitude clearing takes people through these steps systematically.
In terms of why people identify with ideas in the first place and split away from themselves, Berner said:
Therapeutically, you are not after that decision. You are after discharging the emotional charge that led up to the split so they can feel what they have not felt and express what they have not expressed. If they do that, it will automatically dissolve the split and the decision to not be themselves.4
In Patanjali, Berner found confirmation of his approach in the advice to ponder the opposites,5 since duality is what structures the mind. Unless we do this, we will continue to identify with the attitudes and regard them as true.6
Ben’s case illustrates how attitudes and beliefs can arise from a normal childhood, with loving parents and no outstanding trauma. It also shows how once the seed of a belief or attitude has been set, it develops, its logic becoming ‘confirmed’ by investments that seem useful.
As a baby, Ben communicated, as babies do, by making faces, using eye contact, moving his limbs, and crying. All the time he was learning how his signals brought responses. This worked well until his parents decided, as parents do, that he shouldn’t always get attention on demand and it was time they stopped picking him up every single time he cried.
When he reacted with red-faced fury, his parents thought he must be in pain (perhaps he was) and they picked him up, so the signal-response equation was restored – until they strengthened their resolve and toughed out even his most strident bawling. It was, they decided, just a phase in his development that he would grow out of.
And they were right: his behaviour changed as his mind began the process of adjusting his perceptions to ‘make sense of’ his experience. Of course, this process was non-verbal up to that point, though if he could have put it into words, he might have said, ‘Asking doesn’t work.’
However, it was not as if his parents had suddenly withdrawn their love; they still responded to his signals for much of the time and remained attentive to his needs. Thus, Ben’s growing up proceeded smoothly enough. He still lapsed into fury from time to time when he failed to get the attention he sought, except that now he gave up more quickly.
But when he fell quiet on such occasions, his parents thought he seemed miserable and withdrawn. So they began to ‘coax him out of it’ with extra attention, partly out of guilt for having ignored him in the first place. In other words, a form of indirect communication was
developing. Direct asking had stopped working for Ben, but a non-verbal substitute, becoming withdrawn and miserable, was proving more effective anyway.
By the age of 4 years, his withdrawn states had become familiar. He was now ‘the moody member of the family’, prone to sulks, often for no obvious reason. But it was no great problem; his parents had learned how extra treats and cuddles worked wonders. He was, they thought, ‘just moody by nature’, simply needing more attention than his older sister.
However, by the onset of puberty, his sulks had evolved into door-slamming, I’m-not-speaking episodes, when he felt a certain level of frustration. He complained that his parents ‘just didn’t understand’ him, which was true, for how could they if he didn’t communicate directly?
By his late teens, Ben realised that sulking was childish and unattractive, so he learned to use charm to get what he wanted, again, an indirect communication. In fact, he became so adept at manipulating people that he landed a job in marketing where such skills were valued. On the face of it, Ben had ‘grown up’. He was earning good money, was popular and, being handsome as well as charming, he was not short of girlfriends. But when he was 30 he fell in love, proposed marriage and was rejected. He fell into a depression and ended up coming for Clearing sessions.
The way he told it in his first session, Ben had enjoyed a happy childhood, loving parents, and success, until his girlfriend rejected him. Now he was hurt and angry, in particular because when pressed to give reasons for rejecting him, she explained that she found him ‘fun to be with but too superficial and unforthcoming for a long- term relationship’. This was a description that echoed previous relationships. He felt misunderstood by women and at a loss to understand why they saw him that way.
But when, in his next session, he worked with the Clearer to communicate to significant others in his life as if they were present, he did seem unforthcoming to the Clearer. He was happy to tell others how he saw them, but unwilling to reveal much about himself. When the Clearer discussed it with him, he thought about it and thought it was explained by his being easily hurt, so he
tended to clam up about personal matters rather than be open about how sensitive he was. For example, his last girlfriend used to ask him, ‘What’s the matter?’ (because he still tended to go quiet when charm didn’t work), and he would reply, ‘Nothing’, believing that if she really loved him, she would know how he felt without his having to tell her. ‘Real soulmates’, he explained, ‘should know each other’s needs and feelings intuitively without having to spell them out.’
As Ben began to explore the attitude that came into play when he was emotionally challenged, he suggested, ‘It’s no good asking for what I want’ as a way to describe it, or ‘Asking for what I want is dangerous,’ or, another way to describe it, ‘It’s dangerous to show my feelings,’ and ‘Others should know how I feel without me having to tell them.’ He thought each one said something about what was going on for him, but his final choice of attitude to work on was, ‘I can’t ask directly for what I want.’ And when asked to nominate an opposite belief as step-two of attitude clearing, he chose, ‘I’m wide open about what I want.’
When the time came to identify Ben’s investments in holding his belief, he nominated: ‘I avoid the risk of rejection’ (if I don’t ask, people can’t say no).’ Also, ‘People have to work harder to please me if it’s not clear what I want,’ and ‘By not asking for what I want, I avoid showing my vulnerability.’
The next stage was to find the message represented by his belief, and Ben identified this as: ‘I want love and contact with you.’ However, before he could communicate this, in particular to his mother, he needed to express his original fury at being denied such love and contact when it seemed to him that he was asking for it loud and clear. When this final step was completed, Ben confirmed that, in future, and where appropriate, he would communicate directly rather than getting sidetracked by
his old belief.
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